I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I have already put on my inside pants.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
