And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
