i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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