Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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