I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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