im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
