I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
