Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
