On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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