I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I want a musical about memes.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
