Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
