I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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