I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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