does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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