remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
this beer tastes like vomit already
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
