I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
