I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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