I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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