got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
did i walk over a car last night?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
