I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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