I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
