Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
