11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
