Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
