I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
