i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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