My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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