I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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