When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
