Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
