my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize