omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize