i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
