I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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