If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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