I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
