Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
