If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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