he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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