The maid of honor just puked.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
