4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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