Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
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my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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