A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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