I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
