Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
