Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
