I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
