please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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