Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
