Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize