so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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