Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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