I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
