She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
